Alone
by Hallie Black
Summary: Angsty, very angsty, I admit it. 15yearold Sirius is tired of the constant physical and verbal abuses he has to endure from his family and decides to end it all. But someone shows him just how very mistaken he was in wanting to do so.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Sirius Black (dammit!) nor any other character appearing in my stories, as they all belong to J.K. Rowling. That said, enjoy.

Sirius stared down at his hands. He'd never felt more lonely in his entire life. Why didn't his parents love him? No, wait a moment, what was he telling himself? _Like_ him would be more than enough. But _loathe_... He tried to tell himself that maybe it wasn't so bad; that maybe it could have been worse. How? he'd ask. Well, at least his parents were alive. That way he could always pretend, when they were away, that they loved him. 

He could fantasize about life with them feigning a home full of love and care. Because that's what he really wanted. At school, where he was the handsome, brilliant prankster everyone loved, no one could really imagine what he had to go through at home. They probably thought that his deepest desire was to shag as many girls as possible. They didn't know him at all. He wasn't so shallow, he just wanted love. But it didn't bother him what other people thought. He stopped bothering when he realised what his family thought of him.

He'd always been the black sheep. Different. He thought that if he did great at school, his parents would change their mind about him, that they would like him as much as they liked Regulus. But school… school had made everything worse. When his mother found out he'd been made Gryffindor, she'd wanted to disown him on the spot. Such a disgrace he was, as he was constantly reminded.

Whatever he did, it was wrong. Oftentimes, he was torn between listening to his mother and thus seek his father's wrath or vice versa; because his parents were always arguing, although he had to admit that when they were fighting on their own it was actually a very nice change, as their favorite subject for insults and beatings was always him, Sirius.

When he was little, he tried to convince himself that the continuous physical and verbal abuses he had to endure from his parents were actually for his own good; that they did it because they loved him and they didn't want him to become one of those pampered, spoiled little brats. But when he saw how they behaved towards Regulus, he realized he could no longer lie to himself.

Sirius had to admit that over the last few years the beatings had lessened themselves considerably, although that was probably due to the fact that his mother realized Sirius was now strong enough to block them… and fight back. However, just to make sure, his father always made it his personal mission to remind him about them.

Why go on? he asked himself. What was the point of living by now?

He'd thought about suicide a lot, lately. Who cared if it was wrong? Who cared if he'd be damned forever? He'd be making the world a better place, as his parents constantly reminded him. It'd be the best thing to do: that way, the Black family would go back to being admired for its honor and integrity. It was all his fault, it always was: he was stupid, stupid, stupid! He was a disgrace, he was worthless, anything that happened was always his fault, because he wasn't careful enough, because he was stupid, because he was too rebellious: he was so different from Regulus, who worshipped the ground his parents walked on.

He'd always had a big mouth: if someone said something he thought was wrong, he'd say so. Such a dumb thing to do! Muggles and Mudbloods are scum. Period. But no, Sirius had to go and tell his mum he'd met such a nice little Muggleborn and that surely… surely all Muggleborns weren't so bad? _That_ had totally driven his mother over the edge, and for the first (but definitely not last) time she performed an Unforgivable on him.

Pain. He'd always felt it throughout his childhood. Physical, emotional, it made no difference. He'd seriously come to think that maybe that's what he really deserved. That he was a failure, and that he deserved pain and eternal damnation. That the world would surely be better off without him.

From his family, finally deprived of such a disgrace, to the teachers, who'd always hated his silly pranks. And even his best friend, the blood traitor, James Potter; he, too, would be better off without him: Lily, James's crush, never could stand Sirius much (get a number!), and, if he were gone, James'd be happier because he'd finally have his Lily. And all the girls Sirius had (unintentionally) broken hearts to? They'd definitely feel better knowing he was no longer troubling the world with his presence. And what about his other friend, Remus Lupin? Well, he, too, would be happier if Sirius didn't exist: hadn't it been him, Sirius, who'd accidentally betrayed his trust by telling that slimy Snivellus how to get to the Whomping Willow?

He was a terrible son, an awful friend, an unfaithful boyfriend… what was there left to live for? Nobody would miss him, nobody loved him, but they'd all understand… He was alone. Nobody in the whole wide world cared for him… so why should he?

Having finally made up his mind, Sirius got up from his bed and headed towards the bathroom. It'd be quick, and, for all he knew, probably painless.

Once he reached it, he pulled the cabinet door open and took out his razor. He'd only begun shaving that very summer (he was only fifteen after all). He stared at the blade in his hand, almost hypnotized by its glinting. There, there: soon it would be all over. He'd make everything right.

He headed back to his room, his mind set on what he wanted to do. He entered it, shut the door behind him and locked it: sure, he and his brother had had issues lately, but he still didn't want to subject twelve-year-old Regulus to a bloodcurdling sight… even if he was sure he, too, would understand. Just like everyone.

Just as he was about to do it, his mind wondered briefly on a note. Would his parents want it? Would they expect it? To him, it was crystal clear what he wanted to do, or why he was doing it… but perhaps a note wouldn't hurt. He had, after all, always fancied himself a great writer.

What about a will? Should he write one? Sure, he didn't want his dratted family taking all of his possessions. But still… what did it matter, really? He'd be long gone by that time…

Sirius headed towards his drawer to jot down the damn note, when he noticed a soft sound coming from the window. Curious he reached it and opened the latch.

Inside flew an all too familiar barn owl. James's barn owl. Tied to its leg was a piece of parchment. Sirius tore it open and read:

_Hey Padfoot!  
How's it going, big guy? Your folks still giving you a hard time? I bet it's not very pleasant over there, is it? But don't worry! It'll all be over soon… school starts in… what?... three weeks? I can't wait, can you? I mean, I love summer but I honestly miss all the jokes and the pranks with you… I think they make life worth living! I mean, I keep thinking, what would be life without you, mate? Honestly, could you imagine? I'd be totally pissed, bored, and Snivelly would live a decent life! Terrible!  
Oh yeah, Mum wants me to ask you if you want to come over anytime soon… strangely, she loves you. And Dad does too… Sometimes I think they love you more than they love me! Imagine that! So, well, if you wanna come, send word back soon or Mum threatens to come and get you herself… and you definitely wouldn't want that, would ya? I got loads to tell you, but I'd rather do so face-to-face…  
So, well, send your answer back or rather show your lazy arse up here as soon as possible, okay? I'll be waiting…  
Love always,_

James

Sirius reread the letter five times. It was harder and harder for him to see, maybe because it was getting dark outside, or maybe because his vision had gone slightly blurry and he had trouble keeping the tears spilling from his gray eyes.

He got up, unlocked the door and took the razor back to the bathroom. He'd been wrong: somebody did care for him, and would certainly miss him. He realized how mistaken he'd been, trying to take the easy way out, without thinking about all the people he'd hurt had he succeeded.

What would all the girls out there do, without the one and only, Sirius Black?

A/N: okay, it's done. Now, everyone, please do pay attention. First thing, do not worry, I am not about to commit suicide or anything; I'd just gotten into a huge row with my mum and got the idea for this fic. I also want to make it clear that I do not think that ending your life should even be considered a possibility, because no matter how bad things are, there is always someone who loves you (as Sirius realized with James's letter); life is wonderful, and should not be taken lightly. Committing suicide would be running away from problems instead of confronting them. Anyway, just a pearl of wisdom to share after having read such an angsty story, I'd like to quote my grandma: 'If things are bad, think pink, because they could be worse; if things are really really bad, then smile, because they can't really get any worse and will ultimately get better'.  
And now, one more favor to ask you… REVIEWS!


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